(Almost) All Sarah J Maas Couples RANKED

Reader, has everyone read House of Flame and Shadow yet? Did the conclusion (maybe) to the Crescent City series satisfy you? Was it epic enough? My answers to all these questions is mostly, but not entirely, yes. I’ll get into that more when it’s review time, but for today, I thought it might be more fun to turn our Sarah J Maas lens outwards a bit, and look at her body of work as a whole. And after all, since February is the month of love and romance and all that sappy stuff, it seems only appropriate that we examine Sarah J Maas’s entire body of work by looking at the couples in those books.

That’s right, today we are ranking (almost) all of the couples in the works of Sarah J Maas. Please note that we’re only dealing with confirmed couples on this list; Elain, Azriel and their desire of suitors will not be included on this list, because none of them have canonically gotten together in the text yet. I did this last year for Cassandra Clare, and it was a lot of fun, so I thought it would be equally fun to do it again this year for another beloved author of mine.

Fair warning, in talking about couples, there are going to be spoilers so if you haven’t read the Throne of Glass series, the A Court of Thorns and Roses series, and the Crescent City series, and you don’t know who ends up with who, and what happens to them, go away, because I’m about to spoil it all for you.

If you’ve read the books or don’t care about the spoilers, get ready, because the spoilery couple rankings are incoming in 3, 2, 1…

16. The Worst Idea For A Relationship Ever Couples (Feyre Archeron and Tamlin, Manon Blackbeak and Dorian Havilliard, and Elain Archeron and Grayson)

I’m starting off right away with a controversial opinion because I think all three of these couples are an equally bad idea. You heard me right, I think Manon and Dorian are as bad a couple as Feyre and Tamlin. I’m sorry, but all of these pairings are toxic in different ways, none of them should have happened, and they all left the people who engaged in them worse off than when they started (maybe this isn’t true for Manon and Dorian, but it will be eventually, they really are bad for each other). Some of you may think that Grayson isn’t as bad as Tamlin, but I would argue that his rejection of Elain because of her trauma is just as bad as Tamlin’s suffocating of Feyre after her trauma. It’s two sides of the same douchebaggy coin.

15. The Nobody Cares Couples (Danika Fendyr and Baxian Argos, Cormac Donnall and Sofie Renast, Nesryn Faliq and Chaol Westfall, and Amren and Varian)

Next on our list, we have the couples who are not actively toxic, but who, let’s be real, no one actually cares about. These are the couples who we never actually saw together on the page (Cormac and Sofie, Danika and Baxian), the couples who just seem thrown together haphazardly (Nesryn and Chaol, Amren and Varian), or the couples that are just kind of dumb (Danika and Baxian, Amren and Varian). I don’t actively dislike them, but I really don’t care about them enough to give them their own separate spot on this list.

14. Celeana Sardothien and Dorian Haviliard

I happen to really like the characters of both Celeana and Dorian, and I think they make a really good friend pairing. But that’s the key word here: friends. They don’t make any sense as a couple, and the Throne of Glass series got a million times better as soon as the love triangle aspect was dropped. Celeana and Dorian were always meant to be friends; anything else just seems icky.

13. The “Seem Sweet, But Are Barely Developed” Couples (Fury Axtar and Juniper Andromeda, Celestina and Hypaxia Enador, and Randall Santiago and Ember Quinlan)

This is our final large group of couples, because after this, we’ll be talking about each couple individually. But for the couples in this group, that’s just not possible to do, because we don’t really know anything about what these characters are like as a couple. They seem healthy, they seem happy, but that’s pretty much it. There isn’t enough content for me to really like or dislike these pairs, so there’s nothing left for me to do but rank them all 13th and move on with my life.

12. Bryce Quinlan and Hunt Axatar

Let me just drop another unpopular opinion here, but I really do not like Hunt. I think he is deeply boring and redundant. Basically, if you took Rowan, took away 70% of his personality and replaced it with horniness, and then gave him a cellphone, you’d get Hunt. That is not an interesting person to read about, and the same is unfortunately true (although to a lesser extent) about Bryce and Aelin. So, because this couple is basically just a less interesting repeat of another couple who will be higher up on the list, there is no way they are going to end up in the top 10. It’s just not possible.

11. Dorian Haviliard and Sorscha

Here we have another unpopular opinion, because I really liked the relationship between Dorian and Sorscha, you know, until she got her head cut off. That was a bummer, but up until that point, this was a very sweet relationship. It’s by far the best and healthiest relationship Dorian is involved in, and it’s always my biggest what if? about the Throne of Glass series. What if Sorscha had lived? Could she have helped save him from the Valg? Could she have been friends with Yrene? I’m sad we’ll never know, but at least we’ll always have Heir of Fire.

10. Celeana Sardothien and Chaol Westfall

It may be odd to rank a couple that isn’t endgame in the top 10, but I can’t deny that when I first read Crown of Midnight, I was really pulling for these two. It was cute while it lasted, and, from a story perspective, this is a really important relationship. It’s the thing that allowed Celeana to heal from Sam, so she would be ready for her relationship with Rowan, and it’s the thing that allowed Chaol to realize the atrocities that he had been blind to before. Sure, the relationship caused them both pain, but they also learned a lot from it and grew as people because of it. That’s important too, and I think for that alone, this relationship deserves to be in the top 10.

9. Aelin Galthinus and Rowan Whitethorn

There is a lot to like about the relationship between Aelin and Rowan. I think it’s one of the more mature relationships Sarah J Maas has written; they converse like adults (mostly), they respect each other’s strengths, they are always supportive but also know when to give the other one space, and they are very honest with each other (mostly). Although I do think Rowan is a little dull, he’s nowhere near as irritating as Hunt is, and that fact alone makes me like him. But unfortunately, as you’ll see later on in this list, I don’t think he’s the best love interest Aelin ever had, and I don’t like that he and Aelin are mates, which is something I’ll get to in a little bit.

8. Aedion Ashryver and Lysandra

It might be pushing things a bit to put these two so high up on the list, because their relationship goes through a super rough patch in Kingdom of Ash that does make things a wee bit toxic. But, I’ve been pretty open about how much I love Aedion, and because this relationship has Aedion in it, I’m putting it high up on the list. And, if we take the first half of Kingdom of Ash out of the mix, they’re a very solid couple.

7. Cassian and Nesta Archeron

We might be getting into unpopular opinion territory here again because, while I do like Cassian and Nesta, I don’t think they’re the strongest couple Sarah J Maas has ever written. I think there are a few major communication problems in their relationship that linger all the way through to the end of A Court of Silver Flames, I think they express their affection in weird ways ie. by being kind of mean to each other, and they always seem like they’re together more because of the sex than because they have a really deep emotional bond with each other. Again, controversial, but these three issues in their relationship don’t seem resolved enough by their brief appearance in House of Flame and Shadow for me to rank them higher than 7th.

6. Lidia Cervos and Ruhn Danaan

Much like Aedion and Lysandra, there is a period in House of Flame and Shadow, where this verges on being a toxic couple, because of Ruhn’s behaviour. However, unlike for Aedion and Lysandra, the estrangement makes (mostly) more sense, and I can forgive it more. I also think these two are my favourite characters in the entire Crescent City series, and I think I enjoy them as a couple so much because I already enjoy them so much individually. They both help each other grow and be more vulnerable, and at the end of the day, they really work as a pair.

5. Celeana Sardothien and Sam Cortland

I think this is my last super controversial opinion, but who knows at this point? I think Celeana’s best love interest was not Rowan, it was Sam. I think it would have been more interesting if Sam was her mate, Lyria was Rowan’s, and they were both able to find love again after losing their mates (which is why I don’t like the fact that Rowan is Aelin’s mate). Sam and Celeana have history together, they have an enemies-to-lovers romance (which is the superior type of romance), and they understand each other in a way nobody else really does, because they were both raised by Arobyn and both escaped him together (the twisted love triangle between Celeana, Sam, and Arobyn is the best villain relationship SJM has ever written, TBH). I would have loved an alternate version where Sam goes to Terrasen with Celeana, becomes king, and they rule together. That would have been really beautiful, and although I like the relationship with Rowan fine, I love the relationship with Sam.

4. Nesryn Faliq and Sartaq

It’s possible that these two are the healthiest relationship Sarah J Maas has ever written. They’re just mutually respectful of each other, constantly hype each other up, and are totally supportive of the other one’s strengths. Somebody as cool as Nesryn deserves someone as cool as Sartaq, and I’m just so glad they have each other, even if they’re more in the background compared to some other relationships in these books.

3. Chaol Westfall and Yrene Towers

I think this is probably the second most effective slow burn relationship Sarah J Maas has ever written (we’ll get to the most effective one in a moment). It’s really quite incredible the trick she pulls off in Tower of Dawn, actually. She takes Chaol, who has been sliding deeper and deeper into unlikeability over the past three books, and Yrene, who was barely a character in The Assassin’s Blade, and develops them into beloved characters (again, in Chaol’s case), and into a devoted, believable couple, who end up being one of the pillars holding up Kingdom of Ash. They have a really beautiful love story, I like that they’re both humans without special powers beyond Yrene’s work ethic which is what makes her such a good healer, and they’re a great example of how strong romances can be when the characters are developed well.

2. Elide Lochan and Lorcan Salvaterre

Much like Lidia and Ruhn, the high placement on this list might have something to do with how much I like Elide individually, regardless of her romance. However, I do think the Elide/Lorcan relationship deserves to be in second place here. These are the rare SJM characters who are fully developed before they meet each other. This means, as readers, we are in the unique position of being able to see how much they grow and improve as people once they meet each other and begin their relationship. Lorcan is able to provide Elide the positive reinforcement she needs, appreciating her unique strengths and intelligence, and she thrives as a result. Elide is able to provide Lorcan with a blank slate, someone who isn’t predisposed to think the worst of him, and he’s able to start becoming a better person because of it. They each allow the other one to become better, and they are very sweet together, and I just really like them, and would have liked even more with them in Kingdom of Ash.

1. Feyre Archeron and Rhysand

As much as I like Elide and Lorcan though, I am pretty basic, and I couldn’t put anyone other than Feyre and Rhysand in the number one slot on this list. They are just the perfect couple (even though Rhys was getting on my nerves a little bit in A Court of Silver Flames). Once again, we’ve got enemies-to-lovers, we’ve got the slow burn, we’ve got mutual respect, we’ve got bringing out the best in each other, we’ve got the villainous crush…it just doesn’t get any better than these two, and they are a huge part of the reason that A Court of Mist and Fury is one of my favourite books.

And there you have it, that was (almost) every Sarah J Maas couple ranked. That’s all I’ve got for you today, you guys should let me know in the comments your favourite SJM couples, stay safe, and I’ll see you on Saturday.

Until the next time.

DCI Banks Books RANKED

Reader, if you were with me over 2021, you may remember that I made a personal goal to read every D.C.I. Banks book in that year. And even though that goal ended up stretching in 2022, I have, at long last, finished the series completely, because there will be no more D.C.I. Banks books. Peter Robinson, the author, sadly passed away in the fall of 2022, and the final book in the series (Standing in the Shadows) was published posthumously just last month.

Given that this was the very last book in the series, and Peter Robinson was one of my favourite authors, I thought it only fitting that I do something to honour him and this series. And it seemed like the only appropriate thing to do was to provide you with a full ranking of the whole series, from “wow, that really wasn’t for me” to “this book is beyond outstanding.” So that’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to rank all 28 of these mysteries, warts and all, in memory of an extremely talented author.

So without further ado, let’s dive right in!

28. All the Colours of the Darkness

We’ll start with the “wow, that really wasn’t for me” book, which I think most aptly describes All the Colours of the Darkness. This is the book that goes all conspiracy-theory and spies and everything, and that’s just really not what I want from my murder mysteries. I don’t like spy books, and I don’t like D.C.I. Banks books pretending to be spy books either.

27. Not Dark Yet

You may remember this book ended up on my worst books of the year list in 2022, and it’s another one of the “wow, that book really didn’t work for me.” The main issues with this one is again, mobsters and spies, as opposed to a solid mystery, and I strongly dislike the way a lot of the character arcs happen, particularly Ray and Zelda’s. Also, Banks is very creepy in this book, and I don’t like it when Banks is creepy.

26. The Hanging Valley

To be totally fair to this book, it suffered greatly from being the first book I read immediately after A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas. No book, not even a murder mystery where Banks visited my home country and a particularly gruesome ending, was going to live up ACOSF, or its resulting reading slump.

25. Sleeping in the Ground

This is a solid book, but it’s not as much of a mystery as I tend to enjoy. The crime is too straightforward, the resolution a bit too pat, and the action scenes too not to my taste for me to put this book any higher on this list.

24. Many Rivers to Cross

Much like Not Dark Yet, I have issues with the way the character’s relationships are going in this book, again, particularly with Banks, Ray, and Zelda (I don’t think Zelda is a character who really adds anything good to this series, now that I think about it). The major advantage this book has over Not Dark Yet, is that the other mystery going on is quite interesting and well-plotted (although it does bear certain similarities to an earlier book in the series), which somewhat gets rid of the character issues.

23. Watching the Dark

Honestly, I don’t know if this book is good or bad. I remember how it starts and after that? Nothing. There’s just a big blank in my head where this book should be. A book that forgettable doesn’t deserve to be higher up on this list. Sorry about that.

22. Gallows View

As the first book in a series, this is very solid. It does a good job setting out who Banks is, and how he operates, although it is rather misleading about the role Sandra would end up playing in the series. But it is also a first book, and as such, the plot is a little thinner, the twists are easier to guess, and the atmosphere and style that would characterize this series is still a little uncooked.

21. Past Reason Hated

There was nothing really wrong with this book in terms of the mystery; what bugged me (perhaps unfairly) is the very 1991 treatment of homosexuality. Expecting Peter Robinson to be thirty years ahead of his time when it comes to gay rights is a tall order, and I don’t want to suggest he’s at all intolerant here. It’s just that the language and understanding of gay people has come a long way since this book was published, and it makes parts of it a bit squirm-inducing now.

20. Cold Is the Grave

Once again, nothing is wrong with this mystery (this middle section of books are all very similar in that regard). What bugs me about Cold Is the Grave is the way the character of Emily Riddle is written. She’s a weird mix of “not-like-other-girls”, “manic pixie dream girl,” “bad girl,” and probably some other tropes I’m missing now, which is annoying all on its own, but given that Banks is old enough to be her father, it gets into a whole new layer of creepy. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Banks the pervert is not a version of the character that interests me.

19. The Summer That Never Was

This book starts off strong, but it just kind of peters off before it gets to the end. The idea of delving into Banks’s past, and solving the crime that weighs so heavily on his soul is a good one, and like I said, it starts off in a good place, but the conclusion is rather meh. It lacks the satisfying punch that the best mysteries give you.

18. A Dedicated Man

This might be the most straightforward mystery in the whole series. It’s very classic. Small village, nice handful of characters with clear motives, and a believable conclusion. It’s well-executed, but it lacks the extra something that makes the books ranked higher really stand out.

17. A Necessary End

The main reason this book is ranked higher than A Dedicated Man is because it introduces one of my favourite characters, Dirty Dick Burgess, who is significantly less cuddly in his first appearance than he is in his last. Like A Dedicated Man, A Necessary End is a very by-the-numbers mystery, but the introduction of such an icon does immediately elevate it.

16. Wednesday’s Child

Now here’s that creepiness I was talking about. This book is really the first one to show what twisted mysteries Peter Robinson could think up when he put his mind to it, and it really works on a lot of levels, from the creepiness to the eventual unspooling of what happened to the final twist. Because the reveal of the villain isn’t as much of a surprise as I’d like, I rank this one lower down the list, but it is a really solid and creepy book, and somewhat represents a turning point in the series from the more straightforward earlier books.

15. Careless Love

There’s a very interesting premise in this one, with a not at all unsatisfying payoff. It’s a very solid example of the type of story Peter Robinson wrote very well; the only reason it is in the bottom, and not the top half of the list, is because this book marks the introduction of Zelda, a character who I’ve already made clear I think did bad things to the series. 

14. Strange Affair

We’re entering into the top half of the series now, and our number 14 slot goes to Strange Affair, a book with a mystery that hits very close to home for Banks when his brother is murdered. This book poses some complex ethical questions, and it does a very good job with all of the issues it raises. However, for some reason, the details fail to linger in my brain for very long periods, and Banks considers making a pass at his murdered-two-days-ago brother’s girlfriend, and for those two reasons, at 14th place it shall remain.

13. When the Music’s Over

The next three books were very hard to rank; I feel like if I’d made this list on a different day, their order might have changed. Nevertheless, in 13th place, we have When the Music’s Over, a book that seemed to predict #MeToo. I think the treatment of rape and sexual assault survivors in this book is extremely well handled. It’s respectful and it avoids sensationalizing things. And, for bonus points, Banks manages not to be a creep in this book. Yay Banks!

12. Piece of My Heart

This is an example of the type of dual narrative Robinson was so good at: a crime unfolding in the past that will eventually be revealed to have some link to the crime Banks is solving in the present. In the case of this book, the crime in the past is much more memorable than the one in the present. Robinson does a great job invoking hippie culture and the swinging 60’s through the eyes of a war vet who despises it and his daughter who embraces it. Only trouble is, the past storyline is so strong it completely obliterated any memory I had of the present storyline, which keeps this book out of the top 10.

11. Abattoir Blues

The only reason this book didn’t crack the top 10 is because abattoir means slaughterhouse, and that is an accurate description of some of the crime scenes in this book. I can’t handle that much ickiness. But gross-out factor aside, this is a very, very solid book, with particularly strong turns from both Annie and Winsome. Banks takes more of a backseat in this book, which actually gives him a chance to prove he’s a good leader, and the female characters take the lead, leading to a satisfying story all around.

10. Standing in the Shadows

It’s entirely possible that I’m feeling a little sentimental about this book, since it’s the last one ever, and that helped it to its spot in the top 10 list. But regardless of whether or not that’s the case, I really, really liked this book. After jettisoning the dead weight that was Zelda, this final book has a new spring in its step, as Peter Robinson demonstrates his talent for weaving two storylines separated by time together one final time, in possibly his most successful braiding of tales yet. There’s lots of content for Winsome, a final appearance of Dirty Dick Burgess, a well-plotted mystery with a final twist, and it’s overall a compelling and well-written swan song for this series.

9. Children of the Revolution

It’s probably not surprising that a book with a strong subplot for Winsome is ending up in the top 10. I have made no secret about how much I find Winsome to be my favourite character, and this book is an excellent showcase for all of her strengths. Even besides the fact that this contains Winsome being awesome, I think the mystery in this story is particularly strong, an example of a past secret that the audience is as clueless about as Banks is. Banks hobnobbing with elites is rather enjoyable, and the cast of suspects is particularly eclectic and memorable in this story, making this book probably the best one of this particular period in the series.

8. Dry Bones That Dream

Despite a title that gives you absolutely no idea of what the book is about, this is probably one of the fastest paced and most adventure-heavy books in the whole series. Featuring a man assassinated with a shotgun, gangster style, a car chase, double identities, brutal attacks, and Dirty Dick Burgess popping up out of hotel rooms with no warning, this book is “Banks does James Bond” in a far stronger and more enjoyable way than All the Colours of the Darkness.

7. Dead Right

I must admit, there are parts of this book that I don’t fully remember. What I do remember, however, I really liked. This is the original version of the mystery in Many Rivers To Cross, and as the original, it does it better. It delves into the seamy and disgusting world of White supremacy for a twisting and twisted mystery that once again includes (you guessed it) Dirty Dick Burgess. He seems to be a bit of a recurring theme with these top 10 books.

6. Innocent Graves

Robinson employed an interesting trick with this book, by giving a huge chunk of POV to the man who is falsely accused of the murder, a device which makes this book stand out, and gives us an interesting look at Banks, through the eyes of someone who has no reason to like him. The mystery itself in this book is also very well-crafted; although disturbing, it is memorable and excellently plotted (although diary entries in the voice of a sixteen-year-old girl is not a POV Peter Robinson is familiar with and it shows). 

5. In a Dry Season

We’re into the top 5 now, with In a Dry Season, by far the most successful and memorable of the “two storylines, one past and one present, braided together” plot sequence that Robinson was so fond of using. In the present, a skeleton has been discovered in the remains of a village that was flooded in the 1950s, and in the Second World War, a woman named Gloria begins to court danger. The past storyline is fascinating and well-researched, and functions somewhat like a tragedy, as you feel the noose tightening ever more tightly around Gloria the more that is discovered about the skeleton. However, in a way that is often rare for these dual plotlines, the present storyline is equally compelling, introducing as it does Annie Cabot, who is fully realized and developed from the moment she walks onto the page, and who will go on to become almost as iconic a part of the series as Banks is.

4. Playing With Fire

I’m pretty sure this is the only book in the series that uses arson as a murder weapon, which might be part of what makes it stand out so much. But it also helps that this is a very well-crafted mystery, combining the apparently very high-stakes world of art fraud, with an upper class doctor who assumes rules don’t apply to him with explosive results, and a conclusion you won’t soon forget.

3. Friend of the Devil

While In a Dry Season might be the best braiding of past and present, Friend of the Devil probably has the best braiding of two cases being worked on simultaneously. In one, a young girl is found raped and murdered, and in another, a villain from an earlier book is found with her throat slit. To say more would spoil things, but this is a creepy book that takes a good hard look at morality, ethics, and punishment in a way that is gripping and unforgettable.

2. Bad Boy

What I like best about this book is the way it totally deviates from the typical formula for a murder mystery. In fact, it isn’t even really a murder mystery, it’s more of a kidnapping/chase story. When a mother reports to the police station that her daughter has a gun under her bed, the resulting violence leads to one man dead and the police in hot pursuit of the true owner of the gun, who has taken off with Banks’s daughter, Tracy, with him. This book is full of moments where the reader knows more than the police do, and the race against time to rescue Tracy is almost more what you’d expect in the Taken franchise, but it’s told with a uniquely Yorkshire and British flair that elevates it far above your typical action movie with this plot.

1. Aftermath

And finally, the very best DCI Banks book, we have Aftermath, a story that takes place after all the crimes have been committed, and yet which is somehow the most heart-pounding, intriguing, and full of twists book in the whole series. When a routine domestic violence call gone wrong uncovers the serial killer the police have been looking for, Banks is left putting the pieces together in the aftermath, trying to determine if the cops who answered the domestic violence call were acting in self-defense, if this man is the killer of each of the missing girls, and most importantly, what did his wife know about what was going on? The careful construction in the aftermath of a crime is fascinating, and a new direction for a detective novel to take, and Peter Robinson elevated that new direction with a particularly disturbing crime and multiple equally compelling threads to follow up on in the aftermath, in a way that makes Aftermath by far his best work in this series.

And there you have it, those are my rankings of the D.C.I. Banks series by Peter Robinson. It had some highs and lows, but it was always entertaining, and at its very best, there was nothing else like it. 

That’s all I’ve got for you today, you guys should let me know in the comments your rankings of this series, stay safe, and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Until the next time.

The Shadowhunter Chronicles RANKED

Reader, in lieu of a traditional book review this month, I’m bringing back something I haven’t done in awhile. I am ranking an author’s entire body of work, or at least, the entire body of work that exists right now. These are fun posts to do, but since I’ve been leaning into traditional reviews, I haven’t done one in awhile. But hey, it’s time to bring it back, and the release of Chain of Thorns means it is an ideal time to do a full ranking of all of Cassandra Clare’s Shadowhunter Chronicles.

Saturday’s post ranking all of the couples was just a teaser, an appetizer for the main event, where we get into the nitty-gritty and discover which of all these many excellent books deserves to be at the very top (if you know me, you may already know which book is at the top, but maybe I’ll surprise you with the other’s locations). I’ll do my best to keep this spoiler-free, but it’s entirely possible a couple may slip in here and there, so be prepared for that, and, without any further ado, let’s get right into the list!

20. City of Bones

This might not be super popular, because I know a lot of people really genuinely love The Mortal Instruments series. However, I’m not one of them. I do love the second half of The Mortal Instruments series (which genuinely feel like two separate trilogies smooshed together), but the first half is a little iffy to me, and none is more iffy than City of Bones. The writing is so much weaker in this book than in the others, the story is cliche, it’s barely recognizable as the same series. I honestly don’t even reread this book anymore, it’s just so much weaker than the others.

19. The Bane Chronicles

I think The Bane Chronicles are a classic example of how a little of a good thing goes a long way. Magnus Bane is indisputably a good thing. But a whole 500 page book of short stories about his adventures? That proves to be too much of a good thing, and so many of these stories have so little depth to them and so little connective tissue to each other. It is by far the weakest of the novella bind-ups.

18. City of Ashes

City of Ashes is a huge step up from City of Bones. Unfortunately, City of Bones is so weak, that isn’t saying much. I actually think there are a lot of good parts to City of Ashes, especially once Simon is turned into a vampire. But Clary and Jace just drag things way down for me, because their romance is so incredibly creepy. I also think both Isabelle and Alec’s characterizations are still a bit off from where they end up, which makes this book feel inconsistent and out-of-step with the later ones.

17. The Red Scrolls of Magic

I want to be clear here: The Red Scrolls of Magic is a very entertaining book. It’s a hoot to spend time with Alec and Magnus on their ill-fated romantic getaway, and to get to spend a little more time with Helen and Aline. However, there are two major flaws with this book which delegate it to this low down on the list. The first is the time period in which it takes place means there can be no serious consequences from the events that happen, which pretty much eliminates any stakes. The second is that it is an extremely predictable book, with no real plot twists, which takes some of the fun out of the proceedings.

16. The Lost Book of the White

This book has pretty much the same strengths and weaknesses as The Red Scrolls of Magic. I only put it higher because the whole gang is around in this book, which leads to more banter, and thus, more fun.

15. Chain of Iron

What? A book containing Will Herondale in the bottom half of a list? Sacrilege! Unfortunately, the frustrations of Chain of Iron are such that not even Will Herondale can save it. I think there’s some great stuff in this book: there’s a clever mystery, an epic showdown, melodrama to spare, Jesse and Lucy…unfortunately, this book also has every single character simultaneously deciding to stop communicating with every single one of their loved ones so that no one can understand anyone else’s feelings and messiness can ensue, and it’s so frustrating I just want to throw the book at the wall. 

14. Queen of Air and Darkness

Once again, I like Queen of Air and Darkness a lot. But I also think it’s the weakest of Cassandra Clare’s finales. The long interlude in Thule, though entertaining, feels like padding, and it just does not need to be 800 pages. That’s too long. And the ending doesn’t land well with me. It’s too easy, especially given how high the stakes were, and I prefer more heart wrenching conflict in my finales. Despite starting with a funeral, this book doesn’t deliver on that.

13. City of Glass

City of Glass, on the other hand, shows just how good Cassandra Clare is at writing finales. City of Glass was the first time she was able to let loose, and show what her Shadowhunter books would be going forward, which didn’t bear much resemblance to either City of Bones or City of Ashes in a good way. Though it’s not as hard-hitting as her other finales would be, it doesn’t completely pull its punches either, and it comes up with a satisfying conclusion that doesn’t feel too easy.

12. Tales From the Shadowhunter Academy

This novella bind-up definitely learns from the mistakes of The Bane Chronicles. There’s an actual narrative arc to this one, and some nice character development for Simon and Isabelle. However, there are also some stories near the beginning that feel pretty useless, and George’s eventual fate is just too mean.

11. Lord of Shadows

I know everyone really loves this book, which makes me feel bad for keeping it out of the top 10. But despite all the truly wonderful stuff about Lord of Shadows, there’s just something about the pacing that doesn’t work for me. Like Queen of Air and Darkness, it’s overly long in a way that you start to feel, which is never what you want in a fantasy like this. 

10. City of Lost Souls

We’re into the top 10 now, with books that are all such high quality there’s barely any difference between their rankings. Like I said, the second half of The Mortal Instruments series is much better than the first. The best thing Cassandra Clare does with City of Lost Souls is recognize how gross the incest is, and lean into the ick factor. This really ups the ante on how unsettling yet compelling the relationship between Clary and Sebastian is, making their interactions some of the most memorable parts of the book. There’s also some beautiful development in the relationship between Simon and Isabelle. Unfortunately, the relationship between Maia and Jordan, and Alec’s stupidity regarding Camille keep this book in the number 10 slot.

9. Ghosts of the Shadow Market

Ths bind-up pretty much perfects the format. It keeps a somewhat running storyline, following Jem’s quest to solve the mystery of the Lost Heir and Tessa’s ancestry, and it remembers to ensure that each individual novella has an emotional weight apart from that, making each one feel unique and vital, no matter the setting. It also gives us more of an opportunity to spend time with Jem, which I think is nice, since we don’t get much of his POV in The Infernal Devices, and he is such a sweet guy, spending more time with him is a treat.

8. Lady Midnight

Perhaps this is an unpopular opinion, but Lady Midnight is my favourite book in The Dark Artifices trilogy. It’s certainly one of the strongest introductory books. It sets out all of the characters and conflicts really nicely, without wasting time on any set-up about the Shadowhunter world that we all knew anyways. It also has a really good murder mystery at its center, an extremely clever twist ending, and the most unique of all of Cassie’s heroines in Emma Carstairs. The world of the Los Angeles Institute and the dynamics between all the Blackthorns is really well-developed too, and despite the large number of characters, you never feel lost or confused or overwhelmed. It’s delicately and neatly balanced, in a way that is much more difficult than it looks. 

7. Chain of Gold

As good as Lady Midnight is, Chain of Gold is just that much better. In addition to having to introduce an entirely new set of characters, plus establish their ties to the existing characters, it has to establish the rules and social norms of Edwardian Shadowhunter society, and all of it must be done without boring the loyal readers who already get how all this works. Chain of Gold does all of this effectively, wittily, and engagingly, instantly winning hearts with the lead trio of Cordelia, James, and Lucie, and creating a surprisingly effective retelling of Great Expectations, which probably contributes to my enjoyment of it. I’m a sucker for a good Dickens retelling.

6. City of Fallen Angels

For some reason, I just really love City of Fallen Angels. I think it’s because it’s so funny. The story has picked up and has started to go in new and exciting directions, away from the more predictable first half of the trilogy, but it’s also just so incredibly funny. Pretty much all of the funniest lines from The Mortal Instruments are in this one book. 

5. City of Heavenly Fire

Finales are Cassandra Clare’s strong suit, and her talents are on full display with City of Heavenly Fire. This is a properly weighty end for The Mortal Instruments series, with an all-out war erupting between the Shadowhunters, with appropriately high stakes and body count, and with another strong ending that actually has a good emotional wallop to it, unlike in Queen of Air and Darkness.

4. Clockwork Angel

Is it any surprise that all of The Infernal Devices series is in the top five? Of that trilogy, Clockwork Angel is the weakest book, because it has to do the most set-up. But since it’s setting up the best cast and best series Cassandra Clare has ever written, it’s still worthy of being this high on the list. 

3. Chain of Thorns

It’s possible that the fact that this book is so fresh in my memory is colouring my opinion a little, resulting in such a high ranking. But I had such a good time reading this book, I couldn’t resist making it third place. It’s by far the strongest book in The Last Hours series, finally paying off all the secret-keeping and miscommunications and letting the characters talk to each other and work together and everything’s so much more fun as a result. And, as per usual, a truly stellar final battle and conclusion. 

2. Clockwork Princess

I don’t think a more perfect finale has ever been written. It is so emotionally complete, in a way few stories are. It is satisfying, cathartic, emotional, and funny all at once. Every character’s arc is served appropriately, all is resolved in a way that makes sense and doesn’t feel easy or forced, and I never, ever get tired of it. In fact, it would be number one if it weren’t for…

1.Clockwork Prince

Since this is one of my favourite books ever, it had to be at the top of the list. Everything about this book is masterful, from the romance, to the adventure, the mystery, to the monsters, to the comedy. It’s a perfect fantasy and a perfect tragedy all in one, and also, just to remind you all, Will Herondale is in it and Will Herondale is perfect, and must always be number one on lists.

And there you have it, that was my complete ranking of the Shadowhunter Chronicles by Cassandra Clare. That’s all I’ve got for you today, you guys should let me know in the comments what your rankings are, stay safe, wear a mask, get vaccinated, and I’ll see you on Saturday.

Until the next time.

(Almost) All Cassandra Clare Couples RANKED

Reader, as you probably know, February (because of Valentine’s Day) is considered the month of romance, and so content creators try to be on theme. Now I’ve been blogging for quite some time now, and I feel like I’ve done every variation of favourite/least favourite couples under the sun. So, instead, I’m changing up my usual style and I’m doing a ranking post. But instead of ranking music, we’re ranking couples. And not just any couples, but the couples from Cassandra Clare’s Shadowhunter Chronicles.

That’s right my Shadowhunter fans, we are going to be going through (almost) every couple from every series, and comparing them, providing them with a ranking from the very worst all the way up to the OTP. I am possibly going to make some fans extremely angry, because I have, shall we say, controversial opinions, but who cares? Remember this is all in good fun, be prepared for spoilers for all of the romantic relationships in Cassandra Clare’s books, and let’s dive right in!

24. Maia Roberts and Jordan Kyle

Yes, I’m putting these two lower than the literal villains in these stories, that’s how bad I think they are. It’s not just that these two are boring and have no chemistry together (although those things are also true). No, the real problem here is the way this relationship excuses domestic abuse, and for that offence, it can never be forgiven. They are the worst love story, forever and ever, amen.

23. The Villainous Couples

I have a few category entries on this list, for couples I thought I should mention but who aren’t really worth their own individual entry. We’re starting in this category with the villainous couples, the ones where one or both parties were outright antagonists, and the pairing had pretty terrible consequences for anyone misfortunate enough to encounter them. In that category we have Rupert and Tatiana Blackthorn, Malcolm Fade and Annabel Blackthorn, and Magnus Bane and Camille Belcourt.

22. The “I Feel Bad For You” Couples

The next category is the “I Feel Bad For You” couples. These pairs aren’t outright complete villains, but rather relationships where one party is being mistreated in some way or is naive about what they’re getting into, and the whole thing is just kind of sad. In that category we have Jessamine Lovelace and Nate Gray, James Herondale and Grace Blackthorn, Celine Montclair and Stephen Herondale, and Charles Fairchild and Alastair Carstairs.

21. The “Nobody Cares” Couples

Moving up a step we have the “nobody cares’ ‘ couples. These aren’t couples that are actively bad in any way, it’s just, I can’t bring myself to even slightly care about them. They aren’t meant to be, and they are just there to cause tension until our true OTPs can be together. These pairs are Emma Carstairs and Cameron Ashdown, Diego and Cristina Rosales, Livvy Blackthorn and Cameron Ashdown, Simon Lewis and Clary Fairchild, and Simon Lewis and Maia Roberts.

20. Rosamund Wentworth and Thoby Baybrook

Okay, okay, it’s possible these two don’t really deserve their own entry on the list. But I can’t help myself, I just think they’re really funny. The fact that they only got engaged to one-up Cordelia, their anger that someone got murdered and ruined their party, their giant melting ice sculpture of themselves…it’s just good comic relief, and I enjoy them so much I thought I’d give them their own spot, even if they aren’t a particularly healthy couple.

19. Jocelyn Fray and Luke Garroway

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with this couple per se; I think they’re actually very sweet, and I love how Luke is just everyone’s adopted dad. But I do think their courtship doesn’t make tons of sense, and I think it’s a little bit pathetic that Luke took like two decades to confess his feelings, and that it took Jocelyn that long to figure it out as well. Come on. Express yourself, I know it’s hard, but it’s not twenty years hard!

18. The “Fun But in the Background” Couples

Our final category of couples, we have here some couples that are perfectly fine, some are even really fun, but who don’t get enough page time or even confirmation of their coupledom for them to get their own spot. These couples are Maryse Lightwood and Kadir Safar, Jon Cartwright and Marisol Garza, Bat Velasquez and Maia Roberts, Helen Blackthorn and Aline Penhallow, and Diana Wrayburn and Gwyn.

17. Anna Lightwood and Ari Bridgestock

Alright, we’re done with categories now and we’re into the good stuff, and the controversies, because I’m about to list some very popular couples in the bottom half of this list, starting with Anna and Ari. I don’t think they’re a very good couple. Neither one of them treats the other very well, and they don’t seem to have a very healthy understanding of what love is. They improve in Chain of Thorns, but I’m just not convinced that they can make it long term.

16. Emma Carstairs and Julian Blackthorn

Ooh, is everyone’s blood boiling now? It’s not that I actively dislike Emma and Julian. There’s nothing really wrong with them. I myself was surprised to find them this low down on the list. There’s just something about Emma and Julian, and The Dark Artifices in general, that doesn’t work for me, and I can’ put my finger on what it is. So I don’t even have a defence for this, I just don’t really like them, and I never will.

15. Cordelia Carstairs and James Herondale

This is one I do feel strongly about. I am not a fan of the Jordelia pairing, at all, and it is entirely James’s fault. I think he treats Cordelia terribly, and he doesn’t deserve her. I know, I know, he was under a curse, blah, blah, blah. Doesn’t matter. I don’t think he treats her terribly well after the curse is lifted. Cordelia deserves better, and James needs to do more to live up to the Herondale name.

14. Cristina Rosales, Mark Blackthorn, and Kieran

I don’t have anything against this throuple. I think they balance each other really nicely, make each other better people, and are just generally cute together. The only reason they are this low on the list is that we barely spend any time with them as a throuple, and the various other couples never work very well. If they had all gotten together sooner, they could be higher on the list.

13. Cordelia Carstairs and Matthew Fairchild

Look, it’s not that I think Matthew really deserves Cordelia either. Cordelia really could do better than either of these two clowns. I just think he treats her better than James does. My heart breaks for Matthew, honestly, and I wish he could have gotten the love he needed, and I kind of wish he and Cordelia could have worked out.

12. Cecily Herondale and Gabriel Lightwood

We’re entering our top half now, with the perfectly fine, if not super flashy, Cecily and Gabriel. These two make a cute pair, even though it sometimes feels a bit like Cecily was added to Clockwork Princess just so Gabriel wouldn’t end up alone. It doesn’t really matter. They work well, they help each other through some interesting character arcs, and they add something to the story in a way not every couple does.

11. Christopher Lightwood and Grace Blackthorn

Another extremely controversial opinion, given the general fan hatred towards Grace, but I happen to really, really like Christopher and Grace together. Both are misunderstood and never seen clearly, and they are able to offer each other the clear-eyed respect they really crave, and I’m sad it didn’t work out. I thought they were just very beautiful together.

10. Clary Fairchild and Jace Herondale

Another scandalous fact, these two barely cracked the top 10. I had Christopher and Grace ahead of them until the last minute. I know, I know, Clary and Jace, the original couple, they’re cute, they work well together, yada, yada, yada. But, you guys, the incest. I know they weren’t actually related but they thought they were, so, it’s still creepy, and it keeps them way down the list.

9. Isabelle Lightwood and Simon Lewis

There are some bumps along the way, but Isabelle and Simon eventually turn out to be a very solid couple. I like the way their relationship evolves from kind of cliched and unbalanced, to genuinely loving and supportive, and the way it helps Isabelle let down some of her barriers and the way it helps Simon grow his confidence and lose his “nice guy” persona, which did not make him attractive. In fact,the more I write about them, the more I like them, so I’m going to have to move onto the next couple before I spontaneously move them up a few spots.

8. Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood

Who in the world doesn’t love Malec? I mean, they’re getting their own trilogy, that’s how wonderful they are. Despite a few rough spots in City of Fallen Angels and City of Lost Souls, they’ve managed to pull together, work things out, and become the most stable couple in the series. And their kids are all kinds of adorable, and they make great dads, and it just makes my heart grow three sizes reading about how sweet and cute they are in their domestic bliss.

7. Kit Herondale and Ty Blackthorn

Ah, these messy, dramatic babies, I love them, even as it frustrates me that they aren’t together yet. They will be though. I know it. They just click, the way Ty helps Kit integrate into the Shadowhunter world, and the way Kit understands how Ty’s mind works and what he needs. They could be a really mature and beautiful romance, once they grow out of their teenage angst, and that misunderstanding about necromancy, and I for one can’t wait until that happens.

6. Thomas Lightwood and Alastair Carstairs

Another pair of messy, dramatic babies who really needed a while to work through their angst. I don’t mind though; these two were consistently my favourite part of Chain of Thorns, and honestly Chain of Iron as well (Alastair was still in his grumpy stage in Chain of Gold, so was less likeable). It was beautiful to watch Alastair grow beyond his bullying roots because of Thomas’s faith in him, and for Thomas to have someone who loved him for him, and they were also just a really funny duo, almost surprisingly so.

5. Jem Carstairs and Tessag= Gray

I’m almost sorry this couple isn’t higher. Jem is, by all measures, a literally perfect individual. But, perfect as he is, he isn’t Will, and that fact alone brings him down to fifth place. Sorry, Jem.

4. Gideon Lightwood and Sophie Collins

I honestly think Gideon is one of the most underrated characters in the Shadowhunter Chronicles. He is noble, gentlemanly, and does the right thing in hard circumstances, and his and Sophie’s love story is a consistently sweet part of The Infernal Devices, that plays out somewhat in the background but is lovely any time it is featured. I could do with more of it, if I was being honest.

3. Henry Branwell and Charlotte Fairchild

I adore Henry and Charlotte. Henry’s inventing things absentmindedly, Charlotte is a born competent leader, but both totally devoted to each other, and despite some misunderstandings, a healthy and strong couple. They just get each other, and it’s very beautiful to read about.

2. Jesse Blackthorn and Lucie Herondale

I have not been silent about how much I love this couple. They just work so perfectly together. I wasn’t expecting to become obsessed with them, but yet, here we are. Lucie’s exuberance for everything tempered with Jesse’s deadpan manner yet total investment in her zaniness makes for a really fun dynamic, and he treats her like the queen she is, which is something I think is a bit lacking in The Last Hours overall. More couples should be like Jesse and Lucie; ready to run away to join the circus, and willing to raise the dead to be together. That’s an OTP in action.

1. Will Herondale and Tessa Gray

No one who knows me is surprised at this. Will Herondale is the best, forever and always. And there is no couple better than Will and Tessa, mainly because Will Herondale is the best, but Tessa is pretty great too. They just perfectly click, they’re funny,they talk about books together, they’re swoony, they are just all the good things. There is no better love story, forever and ever, amen.

And there you have it, that is my ranking of (almost) all of Cassandra Clare’s couples. Did I upset you, Shadowhunter fans?

That’s all I’ve got for you today, you guys should let me know in the comments your favourite Cassandra Clare couples, stay safe, wear a mask, get vaccinated, and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Until the next time.

Jane Austen Novels RANKED

Reader, we’re going to do something a little different today. As I mentioned in my last reading wrap-up, I managed to read all of the novels written by Jane Austen (with the exception of Lady Susan, which I’m not sure really counts) in the year of 2021. I laughed, I swooned…I had a grand old time with all of them. But, which Jane Austen novel is the best? Which is the worst? Which is the swooniest? Which is the funniest? If you have wondered about the answers to these questions, well, wonder no longer.

Today we are going to be ranking Jane Austen’s six novels in order, from just pretty solid to absolutely incredible, and we’ll learn which is the swooniest and which is the funniest along the way. Maybe you’ll be surprised at my rankings or maybe I’ll turn out to be really basic. Only one way to find out! On with the list!

6. Persuasion

It was a tough decision to put this one at the bottom of the rankings, because I firmly believe that the love letter Anne Elliot receives is the most swoony thing Jane Austen has ever written (so there we go, we’ve gotten an answer on that question already). But despite that sparkly moment of romance, the rest of the book is a bit bland. The characters in it lack the usual Austen spark, and I don’t really remember any of them except for Anne; the love letter is apparently the only memorable thing about her love interest because I can’t even recall his name. Given that the best part of Jane Austen is usually the sly social commentary that comes from character interactions, the lack of memorability of any of that in Persuasion is ultimately what brings it to the bottom of the list.

5. Sense and Sensibility

This was another very hard choice, because I really do love Sense and Sensibility. There are some absolutely savage descriptions of social interactions and niceties in here, and as frustrating as Marianne can be, she is a fun character. I think what hinders Sense and Sensibility for me is the fact that so much of it feels like a trial run for later novels. There is a lot of Elizabeth Bennet in Elinor Dashwood, and a lot of Emma Woodhouse in Marianne Dashwood. And let’s be real Colonol Brandon and Willoughby’s backstory is pretty much exactly the same as Darcy and Wickham’s. It really feels like Jane Austen was playing with themes and characters trying to get them right before writing their better versions. Simply put, Sense and Sensibility is very clearly a debut novel and that effects my enjoyment of it. I also had to endure several torturous university lectures on this one, and I can still hear my professor’s voice echoing in my ears when I read it, like literary PTSD, and that also ruins my enjoyment of this story.

4. Emma

I know Emma is one of Jane Austen’s most popular novels, especially because of its retelling in the form of classic teen movie Clueless (which is delightful, BTW), so you may be surprised to see it in the bottom half of this list. But for me, Emma is more in the solidly good category, rather than the exceptional category. I love how all of the characters are solidly mocked, with nobody from Emma all the way down to passing strangers spared Austen’s classic ironic tone, and I find Emma to be a rather delightful lead, in all her imperfections. I guess my two major quibbles with this one are first, the character of Miss. Bates whose excessive talking is written out verbatim, covering sometimes three or four solid pages of inane dialogue, which gets tedious quickly. And I get that’s the point, but it doesn’t make it more enjoyable to read. The other problem is Mr. Knightley, who just looms over the story like an enormous fun-sucking vampire bat. His moral rectitude is annoying, and his weirdly paternal feelings for Emma that creep into his declaration of love are profoundly creepy. Mr. Knightley is my least favourite romantic lead in an Austen novel, and he brings the whole book down by association.

3. Mansfield Park

I can’t help it, I really loved Mansfield Park. Like Emma, it was very mocking to all of its characters and their foibles, and I have to admit that I relate more strongly to Fanny Brice and her shyness, than I do to say, Emma Woodhouse’s excessive meddling. There were a lot of really interesting social dynamics in this one, and I liked that it danced closer to the line of impropriety than some of her other novels. It hinted as some darker themes that gave it a little more bite than you would expect of Jane Austen’s usually more gentle criticism. But mainly, it earns it rank for that scene when Sir. Thomas returns from his travels unexpectedly early and comes across Mr. Yates rehearsing the play in the billiards room. That scene is comic gold, and it alone puts Mansfield Park above Emma.

2. Northanger Abbey

Northanger Abbey may not be the very best Austen novel, but is 100% the funniest. The conceit of a normal girl utterly convinced she’s living out a Gothic novel is hilarious, and it allows Austen’s irony to be even more pointed than it normally is. Nothing about this book is serious, and that’s what makes it so good. The whole thing is just a neverending parade of comedic moments, mishaps, and misunderstandings, and I wholeheartedly enjoy a story that mainly just makes me laugh.

1. Pride and Prejudice

And the best Jane Austen novel is, no surprise, Pride and Prejudice. Yes, I am that basic, and I’m not apologizing for it, Pride and Prejudice is Jane Austen’s best novel. People are obsessed with it and constantly remaking it and swooning over it and laughing about it for a reason. It absolutely rocks! Elizabeth Bennet is Austen’s spunkiest and funniest lead, mixing sass, wit and class into an unbeatable protagonist, and FitzWilliam Darcy is the perfect combination of socially awkward snark master and perfect gentlemen, and that is just a couple that cannot be beaten. It perfectly blends humor, romance, and social commentary in a way that neatly balances all three of them, and displays all of Austen’s strengths of a writer. If you read one Jane Austen, let it be this one. It doesn’t get better than Pride and Prejudice.

And there you have it, those are my complete rankings of Jane Austen’s six novels. You guys should let me know in the comments if you agree with my rankings or how you would order them, stay safe, wear a mask, get vaccinated, and I’ll see you on Saturday.

Until the next time.

In The Heights Songs RANKED

Reader, I was all set to give you a crackpot theory post today, to let my theorizing mind go wild and come up with some radical, crazy, conspiracy theory about Reign by Cora Carmack. But then, I checked Goodreads and discovered that the release date of Reign has been pushed back until September. So I will keep polishing that conspiracy theory and save it for another couple months.

In the meantime, I thought it might be fun to rank another musical, since that’s always popular so I started puzzling over what might be a good musical to rank. And then the obvious choice hit me, and I realized we needed to talk about In The Heights.

In The Heights is one of the buzziest musicals around right now, because the movie just came out and because it was created by Lin-Manuel Miranda, creator of Hamilton, the buzziest musical of all time. Although I have not seen In The Heights, either the movie or the original stage show, I am a huge fan of the original cast recording so I feel qualified to rank the songs. However, since I haven’t seen any performances of this show, this ranking has nothing to do with how a particular song fits into the story and everything to do with how much I like just listening to the song.

So let’s dive right into it!

17. “Inutil”, “Attention,” and “Alabanza”

I rank these three songs together because I listen to them an equal amount, which is to say, not at all. Now I do objectively think these are good songs, they’re well-written, probably powerful character moments that would most likely bring me to tears if I was in an actual theatre watching them being performed. And that’s great, but it’s not what I’m looking for when I’m just jamming on the way to school. These are just too sad for casual listening.

16. “Paciencia y Fe”, “Hundreds of Stories,” “Enough”, and “Finale”

These next grouping of songs I listen to more frequently than the previous one, but I’d be lying if I said I listened to them a lot. These are all songs I have to be in a very specific mood to enjoy. I would never skip them, but I probably wouldn’t actively seek them out either (except for “Paciencia y Fe”. That’s a pretty awesome song).

15. When the Sun Goes Down

Now we’re getting into the individually ranked songs, and we’re starting off with Nina and Benny’s final duet. Of their three duets, this is probably my least favourite, simply because it’s the shortest and it doesn’t cover any real new ground. It’s a very sweet button for their relationship, but that’s really it.

14. It Won’t Be Long Now

I have mixed feelings about this song. On the one hand, I really like the development of Vanessa’s character. It’s a classic “I want” song, and it does that job ably. On the other hand, I just don’t really like it. And I’m not even sure why. It’s a good song. I don’t even dislike it. I just don’t really like it, and I can’t pin down my feelings more concretely than that.

13. Piragua and Reprise

I had to put this song and its reprise together, because they’re basically the same song. This is pure comic relief, and it works great. It makes me chuckle everytime I listen to it, so job well done.

12. Sunrise

Moving on to our next Benny and Nina duet, this one I like quite a bit more. You probably can’t tell how much, because they’re quite close together on this list, but trust me, it’s a lot. This is actually one of my favourite romantic duets. The sexy Spanish lesson works really well to bring Nina and Benny’s different cultures together, and it’s a gorgeous song to boot.

11. Everything I Know

Much like the earlier “Attention” and “Alabanza”, this is quite a sad song but unlike those other songs, this is one I listen to a lot. I think it’s possibly because while those earlier songs are more plain grief, this one moves into a more inspirational, uplifting stage where there’s hope mixed in with the grief and it’s hard to not get invested in that, whether you’ve seen the show or not. I put this on my top 5 saddest songs list for a reason.

10. When You’re Home

And now we reach the final Benny and Nina duet (which is the first chronologically), which is by far my favourite of the three. It’s such a sweet, comfortable song, that perfectly establishes their chemistry and relationship, sets the scene for what’s to come, while also providing a nostalgic look back about why this corner is important to characters besides Usnavi. That’s a lot to ask of one duet, but this one carries it off, helped mainly by how amazing Mandy Gonzalez and Christopher Jackson sound together.

9. No Me Diga

“No Me Diga” is another good comic relief song, but unlike “Piragua”, it also provides some fun character dynamics. I love this extremely realistic look at the ladies from the salon, which so neatly mixes the humor with the character beats to provide a snapshot of the way they all work together and which paints them as believable women.

8. Blackout

“Blackout” is a pretty awesome Act 1 closer. It gives you a quick rundown of pretty much every single character and where they stand in about three minutes, while also providing a really catchy tune so that you don’t even realize you’re being caught up. It’s a really clever trick (one Lin-Manuel Miranda excels at), and a superb way to close out Act 1.

7. The Club

All that being said though, I like “The Club” better than “Blackout.” It’s a really fun catchy song, and it does a really good job intersplicing the various couples less-than-ideal dates throughout the pretty awesome dancing. And I adore Usnavi’s incredibly dweepy but really long monologue-rap-thing that he uses to pick up the girl who doesn’t even speak English, and the way Lin performs the “Jealous? I ain’t jealous, I can take all these fellas, whatever” line with absolutely zero chill. It’s cute.

6. Carnaval Del Barrio

Lin-Manuel Miranda really excels at writing giant group numbers that give everyone a chance to shine, and although this one gets overshadowed by a couple other songs that are coming up, I think it’s a pretty awesome jam regardless. I love how it gives the salon ladies a chance to let loose and lead a song instead of Usnavi, and I love the pride everyone has in their home and their community, and it’s just a really fun and really beautiful number that keeps the energy super high midway through Act 2.

5. Champagne

I may prefer the Nina/Benny pairing as having a more complex storyline, I have to admit my favourite romantic duet from In The Heights is “Champagne.” It gets the vibe just right, adding enough humor to lessen the tension after several heavy numbers in a row, but it still keeps the emotions front and centre, allowing Usnavi’s grief the respect it deserves, while also using it for some of the great humor in the song, as he’s so distracted by getting the champagne bottle opened he just doesn’t get Vanessa’s increasingly obvious attempts to flirt with him.

4. Benny’s Dispatch

Just like I couldn’t explain why I don’t really like “It Won’t Be Long Now”, I can’t really explain why I like “Benny’s Dispatch” as much as I do. I guess it’s just he’s so happy when he sings it, and happy guys are attractive. That’s probably what it is.

3. Breathe

“Breathe” is one of those songs that’s taken on a life outside of the musical, and for good reason. It’s a very powerful character developing song, that immediately gets you on Nina’s side and helps you appreciate what her struggles will be going forward. It’s also just a really pretty song. Seriously, I urge you to go listen to it right now if you’ve never heard it before. It’s gorgeous.

2. 96,000

These final two songs were very tricky to place, because I love them both a lot, and pretty much equally, but in the end, I decided “96,000” had to go in second place. It’s an excellent song, that pretty much functions as an “I want” song for every single character, and each character’s desires for the winning lottery ticket are specific, both in content and style, yet they all come together to make a cohesive whole that is a total bop. All of that is true and it all contributes to a completely awesome song, but my number one song is still…

1. In The Heights

That’s right, I’m going with the title song as my number one pick. It’s just such a good song and possibly a perfect opening number. It introduces every single major player quickly, succinctly, and specifically, without confusion, with humor and immediate development, and with heart, and also, once again, it’s a total bop. You listen to this song and you know immediately you are getting a show full of fun, catchy music, and lots of love. That’s In The Heights in a nutshell, and this song sums that up beautifully, making it number one on this list.

And there you have it, those are my rankings of all the songs from In The Heights. You guys should let me know your rankings, stay safe, wear a mask, get vaccinated, and I’ll see you on Saturday.

Until the next time.

The Last Five Years Songs RANKED

Reader, I was scouting around for some more romance-themed posts to do, since A Court of Silver Flames, while sure to be full of epic and swoonworthy romance, is not exactly the first thing you think of when you think of a love story. So, how about we spend today talking about the destruction of a marriage? That’s romantic, right?

Kidding aside, The Last Five Years seems like a thematically appropriate show to talk about in the month of February. It’s sort of the anti-Valentine’s Day musical, if you will. It’s also one of my favourites, and I always want a chance to gush about it, so I’m seizing the opportunity.

Today, we are going to be ranking the songs from The Last Five Years (based on the movie with Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan because that’s the version I listen to). We’ll put them in order from “averagely good” to “heartbreakingly beautiful” and gush about some of the awesome songwriting that went into this musical.

So let’s jump right into it!

14. Nobody Needs to Know

There was no doubt in my mind that this song was going to be bottom of the list. As well as Jeremy Jordan sings it, there’s just no getting around how unpleasant Jamie is in this song. He’s supposed to be convincing us he’s justified in cheating, and all I want to do is slap him. It does not make me at all sympathetic to Jamie’s perspective.

13. A Part of That

In some ways, Jamie’s unpleasantness colours this song as well. It’s actually fairly sweet, but given what we know about Jamie’s behaviour, it just makes me feel really sad for Cathy, because her husband just sucks so much. That kinds of upsets the balance of the show, putting my sympathies too heavily behind Cathy, and honestly, I blame these two songs for that.

12. The Next Ten Minutes

Now, this song is sweet and cute and fairly inoffensive, which is where the problem lies. Every other song in this show is brimming with powerful, sometimes painful, emotion and this one is just happy and in love like any other romantic duet. I love a good romantic duet, but the depth of emotion in the other songs means a song that’s only about romance ends up falling to the wayside a bit.

11. Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You

Jamie and Cathy’s other duet is so much deeper than the other one, and the fact that it’s this low down on the list really tells you how good the other songs in this show are. I absolutely love the whole conceit of singing together but five years apart, I think their voices sound beautiful together, and I think it’s a perfect cap to the show.

10. See, I’m Smiling

This song is great for a couple reasons. The first is the fact that it does an excellent job of showing Cathy’s personality, both the good and the bad, as she indicates a desire to do better but also passive aggressively attempts to get Jaime to tell her what she wants to hear. And the second reason is once Cathy snaps into just plain aggressive mode, it’s awesome. Her rant to Jaime pretty much hits the nail right on the head and it’s savage and awesome and really satisfying even given how early on in the show it comes.

9. A Miracle Would Happen

Much like “Nobody Needs to Know”, Jaime comes off like a terrible person in this song, but unlike “Nobody Needs to Know,” it’s so funny I can’t help ranking it higher. He’s sleasy, yes, but Jeremy Jordan is just so hilarious and talented he wins me over despite the words he’s singing. He’s got so much charisma, I can’t help myself.

8. I Can Do Better Than That

I was originally going to put this one ninth, but in the end, because it is not about cheating, it gets to be higher up on the list. Those are the rules. Just like “A Miracle Would Happen,” Cathy doesn’t come off like an amazing person in this song, but it’s so funny and bright and catchy, I can’t bring myself to care. So what if she’s a little smug? She’s got the pipes to make it a song worth listening to, so I’ll forgive her.

7. If I Didn’t Believe In You

Of Jamie’s post-marriage songs, this is by far the best. This is the only one where I can see where he’s coming from and genuinely sympathize with him. It’s harsh but it’s honest, and it’s the only one of Jamie’s songs that actually properly strikes that balance. Incidentally, it’s also the song that always makes me think how amazing a gender-swapped version of The Last Five Years would be, but that’s probably a topic for a different post.

6. Shiksa Goddess

I vastly prefer Jamie’s pre-marriage songs to his post-marriage songs. This one in particular is just fun. It’s got all the giddiness of beginning a relationship matched to, as I’ve mentioned before, Jeremy Jordan’s bottomless charisma and charm, so, it’s a really good time all around.

5. Moving Too Fast

And here’s another song that’s made excellent by Jeremy Jordan’s charm! Much like “I Can Do Better Than That,” this song falls a little bit on the smug side, but there’s just too much charm and enthusiasm oozing out of every syllable for me to hold that against it. And also, there’s some killer belting at the end, and I’m a total sucker for Jeremy Jordan belting. I’m only human.

4. Climbing Uphill

This might be the funniest song in the whole show. It’s a patter song, and nothing is funnier than a patter song. Cathy’s frantic inner monologue as she attempts to audition is hilarious and relatable, even for those of us who aren’t struggling actresses. The comedic heights make her final desperation more wrenching, and once again, it makes Cathy infinitely more sympathetic than Jamie.

3. The Schmuel Song

Oh look, another song made magical by the endlessly talented Jeremy Jordan! I mean, “The Schmuel Song” is charming enough on its own, as a means of cheering Cathy up, but throw in Jeremy Jordan’s comedic chops and golden voice and you have a recipe for just about the cutest love song ever written. It’s Jamie’s best moment in the entire show, and it’s also the only time either character is entirely and unselfishly supportive of the other one (which is probably a pretty good indicator about why this marriage failed).

2. A Summer In Ohio

This song toes an excellent line between sympathy and comedy. As Cathy recounts her adventures at summer community theatre, she’s funny and self-deprecating, with only a hint of her later bitterness and it’s the best version of the character by a long shot. It’s also insanely catchy, and just like “Climbing Uphill,” relatable, especially if you know anything about community theatre.

1.Still Hurting

There was no way I could put any other song at the top of the list. “Still Hurting” is a masterpiece in creating character and building sympathy, and it gives Cathy a huge advantage right off the bat, because this song tugs on your heartstrings so much, it’s well nigh impossible to forget it and start sympathizing with Jamie. It’s simple but powerful, one of the greatest opening numbers in a musical, and it’s just perfect.

And there you have it, those are my rankings for all the songs from The Last Five Years. You guys should let me know in the comments what you’re rankings are, stay safe, wear a mask, and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Until the next time.

Mean Girls the Musical Songs RANKED

Reader, one of the ongoing tragedies of COVID-19 lockdowns is the absence of live theatre. You can listen to cast recordings and you can watch pro-shots, and if you’re really desperate you can watch movie adaptations, but there’s nothing quite like the magic of sitting in a theatre watching a musical. It’s my favourite form of entertainment and I miss it desperately. Even though I’ve never had a chance to see a show on Broadway, it makes me very sad that its currently shut down.

That brings me, in a roundabout way, to today’s topic. Last week, Mean Girls the Musical announced that it would not be returning to Broadway when COVID restrictions are lifted. Although I don’t have a huge emotional attachment to this show, I’m still upset at this news, because I always get upset when a show that I have even a passing interest in closes.

So, in honour of the Broadway show, today, I’m going to be ranking all of the songs from Mean Girls the Musical. I have never seen the show (and based on the news of its closure, it’s going to be a long time before I will get to to see it), so unlike some previous rankings, this is based entirely on what the songs sound like on the cast recording, and my knowledge of the plot of the movie.

So let’s dive right into the rankings!

21. More Is Better

When I went to do these rankings, I was a little surprised to find this song at the bottom. It’s not that I have anything against it. I think it’s a fairly sweet duet that highlights the relationship and differences between Cady and Aaron, I just…never listen to it. Like, at all. I haven’t listened to it since I bought the recording, so, sorry “More Is Better.” You are not better than any of the other songs.

20. Fearless

This is another one that I don’t have a strong negative feeling towards. It works…fine, I guess. But really, that’s all it is. It’s fine, and that’s not enough to compell me to listen to it on repeat.

19. I See Stars

This is another song that is basically fine. It probably works well onstage, as a close to the show, but just to listen to, it’s a touch generic. This is actually a problem with a lot of finales. Away from the emotions of the stage, they can be very similar and bland, especially if I listen to them too close together. Sorry, “I See Stars.” It’s not you, it’s me.

18. Where Do You Belong?

Damian is a great character, and I think both of his songs are really funny, but of the two, I listen to this one less. There are some great jokes about the various cliques in the high school and it’s a good introductory number, but all in all, it’s basically the same as the scene from the movie just put to music. I usually like a number with a bit more punch.

17, 16, & 15: What’s Wrong With Me? (Reprise), Someone Gets Hurt (Reprise), & Stupid With Love (Reprise)

I’m ranking these three reprises together, because none of them are really long enough to warrant its own entry, and I feel the same way about all of them. I like them all, but mainly because I like the original iterations of all three songs. These are more little blips of remembrance rather than radical reimaginings, and I like them, but I don’t love them.

14. What’s Wrong With Me?

I think this is an excellent character song for Gretchen. It gets right into her head and develops her character in a way I don’t think the movie really did. It’s funny and sad at the same time (“Mamma calls me beautiful/Don’t believe her anymore”-ouch, that’s a harsh line), and shines a well-deserved spotlight on the most overlooked Plastic. However, outside of all this context, just listening to, not my favourite.

13. Revenge Party

“Revenge Party” I like, to a point. It’s got a fun beat and it is depicting probably the most iconic part of the movie, but I also have two issues with it. One, there’s a lot of dialogue which makes it hard to jam out to it, and two, the line “It’s a revenge party/It’s a party with revenge is what it’s like” is just stupid. You couldn’t come up with a better descriptor than just reversing the word order? Come on.

12. Whose House Is This?

I know this is one of the most unpopular songs in the whole show, but I actually really like it. I have a weakness for big goofy party songs in musicals. This is basically the “Big Fun” of Mean Girls, and it works for me. It’s just silly.

11. A Cautionary Tale

The only reason this isn’t ranked higher is it’s too short. I think this is a fantastic opening to the show, I love the chemistry between Janice and Damian, and I love the opening instrumental that matches the opening of “Meet the Plastics.” Like I said, make this song a little longer and its easily in my top 10.

10. Stop

This is my favourite Damian song. It works well for his character, while also delivering really solid jokes that weren’t already in the movie. It’s also insanely catchy and gives Grey Henson a chance to shine in all his toe-tapping, jazz hands glory and that’s always a good thing.

9. Do This Thing

I can’t quite put my finger on what it is about this song that really works for me. It’s one of those empowering feminist songs that I love, but it’s also got some really funny lines (my personal favourite may be “Welcome to the IMCT State Final Math Championships, sponsored by no one” for the sheer randomness), and there’s a great beat to it as well. I’m also kind of obsessed with the audacity of rhyming “bitch” with “mission”, which does not work written out, but if you listen to Erika Henningsen’s delivery, you’ll see what I mean. It’s just kind of awesome.

8. I’d Rather Be Me

Speaking of kind of awesome, it’s time to show some love to Barrett Wilbert Weed, who is perfectly cast as Janice. This is another one of those awesome feminist empowerment songs, and it works partially because of the badass delivery by Wilbert Weed. It’s just that little bit more edgier and in-your-face than your typical girlpower song, which is what gets it this high up on the list.

7. It Roars

I think this is an excellent “I Want” song. It beautifully sets up both Cady and the jungle of contemporary high school, while also establishing the comedic tone for the rest of the show. Any “I Want” song that includes the line, “I try to confide in my lions/But they keep biting me,” tells you you’re in for a very funny evening with a slightly quirkier heroine than your typical Disney princess-type ingenue.

6. Stupid With Love

I just adore this song. It’s a perfectly giddy, giggly first-crush type of love song, that doesn’t make the mistake of taking itself too seriously. It’s crush at first sight in a very high school kind of way, and the goofiness of the song perfectly conveys that vibe. I’m also just really really amused by the line, “I’m astounded and nonplussed/I am filled with calcu-lust”, because I am easily entertained by puns, and it makes me chortle every time I listen to it.

5. Meet the Plastics

As introductory songs go, there aren’t many better than this one. Each Plastic gets a chance to introduce herself in her own unique style (Regina-slowly because she knows the music will wait for her, Gretchen-as fast as possible, because she hardly ever gets a chance to speak, and Karen-without a care or any amount of depth). It’s a fun way to get to know our central characters, and it gives their appearance all the drama it deserves.

4. Apex Predator

As good as “I’d Rather Be Me” is, “Apex Predator” is the better showcase for Wilbert Weed’s talents. I don’t have any insightful analysis to offer about this song, I’m just obsessed with the sound of Barrett Wilbert Weed and Erika Henningsen belting harmonies together. It sounds gorgeous, and I listen to the end of this song on constant repeat.

3. Sexy

Karen’s ode to sexy Halloween costumes is an absolute hoot, and gives another dimension to her character. She may be stupid, but she’s always surprisingly canny about certain things. This song is mostly silly, with a surprisingly sharp edge (the line, “This is modern feminism talking/I expect to run the world in shoes I cannot walk in” is perhaps the most obvious example), and much like Mean Girls itself, it shows that feminism can be found in the bubbliest and pinkest of places.

2. Someone Gets Hurt

Okay, I am just obsessed with Taylor Louderman and the amazing belting she brings to Regina. This song is a masterclass in manipulation, as Regina literally never touches the floor as she somehow convinces Aaron she was the victim. It shows Regina’s clever side and her evil side in equal measure, and sets her up perfectly as someone who won’t give up without a fight, letting us know that dislodging her from power won’t be as much of a party as Janice assures us it will.

1.World Burn

Okay, I love a good villain song, and this is a really good villain song. Regina finally just lets it all go, both story wise by releasing the Burn Book, but also vocally, by belting and riffing some insane notes. It’s pretty much the epitome of “If I go, you’ll go with me”, and Taylor Louderman absolutely nails it, making this, without a doubt, my number one song from Mean Girls the Musical.

And that’s all I’ve got for you today. You guys should let me know in the comments your thoughts on Mean Girls the Musical or the show you most want to see live when that’s finally allowed again, stay safe, wear a mask, and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Until the next time.

If The Fates Allow: A Hadestown Holiday Album RANKED

Reader, just like last week, we’re doing another Christmas-themed post, as we’re now less than a week out from Christmas (six days, to be exact). I don’t have any Christmassy Top 5 lists planned this year, so to make up for that, we’re going to talk about Broadway and Christmas today.

On November 20th, the cast of Broadway’s Hadestown released its holiday album If The Fates Allow, featuring the Fates, Jewelle Blackman, Yvette Gonzales-Nacer, and Kay Trinidad, with featured performances from the rest of the cast. As you may expect, this album is gorgeous. It has all of the sound and jazziness of Hadestown, but with a holiday twist. I’m obsessed with it, and I highly recommend listening to it if you haven’t already.

But, as with all music, there is a range of gorgeousness. So today, we’re going to rank all the songs on this album, from just pretty all the way up to sheer perfection.

So let’s jump into it!

14. Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming

Now I will not deny that this song is very beautifully arranged. The trouble is I don’t really like this particular carol. And no matter how lovely the Fates sound singing it, or how unique the orchestration is, I still don’t like the carol, and nothing will change that.

13. Gift For an Angel

This is another one that sounds very pretty, I’m just not crazy about the song. It’s just a little bit too much on the earnest-emotional-cheesy side of Christmas songs for my taste. There’s nothing really wrong with this type of song, it’s just never been my favourite style.

12. Someday At Christmas

From this point on, it’s pretty hard to rank these songs because they’re all awesome. By that metric, “Someday At Christmas” has to go nearer the bottom simply because I don’t listen to it as much as the others. I love all the ensemble solos, and it has a great message, it’s just not one I really listen to if I’m not listening my way through the whole album.

11, 10, & 9: Purple Snowflakes, 8 Days (of Hanukkah) & Twas the Night

There’s not tons going on in any of these songs, and that’s okay. They’re like the fun fluffy part of this album. It’s a blast to listen to the harmonies, and I like to jam out to them. They are total bops that I can easily listen to while I do other stuff. I really don’t demand any more than that.

8. The Longest Winter

There’s a lot to like about this song. It’s super unique and Amber Gray is a literal goddess. It’s somehow both soothing and eerie at the same time. It gives me the same feeling as watching a snow storm in late evening. It’s beautiful but a little worrying at the same time, which is a different vibe for a holiday song, but one I love.

7. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Now what’s not to like about this one? Everybody likes this song, it’s gorgeous. This is a beautiful cover, so great they named the album after it, and everything about works wonderfully. I have no complaints.

6. The Song of the Magi

This is a song that grows on me the more I listen to it. It has that haunting, minor key kind-of melancholy feel that the very best carols have. It doesn’t seem out of place among more traditional carols like “Silent Night,” “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” or probably its closest analogue “We Three Kings.” Besides beautifully capturing the tone of classic Christian songs, it also features possibly the most stunning harmonies on the whole album and that’s saying something, because this entire album is pretty much just stunning harmonies.

5. Winter Song

Okay, yes, I’m addicted to Reeve Carney and Eva Noblezada’s duets. I’m only human. But seriously, how was this song not written for Orpheus and Eurydice? It fits so perfectly. It’s haunting and a little bit heartbreaking, and I’m totally in love with it.

4. Come Healing

Speaking of songs I’m totally in love with, we have this masterpiece. I admit to being just a wee bit obsessed with Patrick Page’s voice, and the contrast between his bass and the harmonies of the Fates is beyond masterful. It works wonderfully for the song, and elevates it above your typical Christmas hymn.

3. Thank God It’s Christmas

I’d never heard of this song before listening to this album, and it’s my loss because this song is amazing. The cover and arrangement works wonderfully, feeling like a deleted song from Hadestown, and the entire thing is the perfect Christmas song for 2020.

2. Sleigh Ride

I can’t deny I’m a sucker for songs with good beats, and that’s exactly what this song delivers. It’s a great showcase for the three Fates, and it’s a stellar jazzy jam that’s still recognizably the same song but also completely reimagines it into the Hadestown milieu.

1.Blue Christmas

If Andre De Shields is on your album, than his song is automatically number one. Those are just the rules, and I don’t make the rules (actually, I do). Even leaving that rule aside, this is genuinely one of my new favourite Christmas songs. Andre De Shields is just the perfect performer, he so effortlessly (or at least it sounds effortless) inhabits every song he sings and plays with every note, and its a joy to listen to him. He overshadows Elvis, which is not a feat just anybody could do, and this version is the definitive version of the song in my opinion.

There you have it those are my rankings of If The Fates Allow. You guys should let me know in the comments what your rankings are or let me know your favourite Christmas song, stay safe, wear a mask, and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Until the next time.

Doctor Who Christmas Specials RANKED

Reader, as I mentioned last week, Chrismas is approaching, and since we’ve entered December, I can now do thematically appropriate blog posts without seeming any weirder than I normally do. To that end, we’re going to talk about that uniquely British invention, the Christmas Special. These are special episodes of T.V. shows that air on Christmas Day in the U.K, and which are just confusingly numbered episodes to the rest of us.

So, since I love both Christmas and British T.V. shows, we’re going to combine those two interests, and rank all of the Doctor Who Christmas specials, from 2005 through to 2019, also throwing in that one random New Year’s special for good measure. This will be controversial, as I apparently hold very unpopular Doctor Who opinions and have a real taste for goofiness, but nevertheless, it will be fun too. So let’s jump right into it!

14. A Christmas Carol

Let’s start off controversial right away, shall we? I realize this is considered one of the best episodes of both Matt Smith and Stephen Moffat’s tenure on the show, but I didn’t like it. At all. Like I said, I have a taste for goofiness, and this did not deliver on that. I didn’t care about the secondary characters, I didn’t like that our regular (and my favourite) companions were sidelined, and it was a waste of Michael Gambon. I’m just not a fan.

13. Voyage of the Damned

This is such a strange episode of television. On one hand, it wants to be a fun silly romp with quirky characters. On the other hand, it keeps murdering those quirky characters in increasingly horrific ways. Christmas specials really shouldn’t be about who gets the most disturbing death scene, and yet, here we are. Add in a really forced love interest, and this is one meh episode of Christmas cheer.

12. The Next Doctor

This episode kind of has the opposite problem to the previous one. Instead of being too dark, it’s almost too light for an episode whose central villain is the Cybermen, who are the kind of iconic villain who really should be but rarely are taken seriously. There’s stuff to like here. The concept of the female CyberLeader taking control is fascinating if undercooked, and the titular Next Doctor is a very dapper Victorian version of the character we know and love, but overall, too lightweight with a villain that can’t afford to be.

11. The End of Time, Part 1 and 2

This episode is very strange. It has all the hallmarks of a great Regeneration story, but the pieces really don’t click into place until the very end. Theoretically, the Doctor/Master relationship should make for fertile ground in this kind of story but too much time is spent on weird jumping, eating, and headspinning on the Master’s part, and big world-ending threats that go nowhere. That being said Timothy Dalton is excellent, and the final 15 minutes so beautifully sum up the Russell T. Davies era. It’s the first hour and a half that’s the problem.

10. The Christmas Invasion

I know we’re still in the bottom half of this list but we’re already getting into episodes that are more good than bad. The very first Christmas special is generally pretty good. It features the return of a welcome Harriet Jones, Prime Minister, and the introduction of the Tenth Doctor, who still manages to steal the whole episode despite spending most of it asleep. The evil Santas and killer Christmas trees are also very seasoningly appropriate. The biggest issue with this one is how whiny Rose comes off in it. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Rose to begin with, and her behaviour here is a low point for the character, which thus brings the rest of the episode down as well.

9. Resolution

The 13th Doctor is unique among NuWho because she hasn’t gotten a Christmas special yet. Instead, she get’s a New Year’s Day special, which is also pretty good. It’s a very solid standalone episode, with some great problem-solving from the Doctor, and a powerful return for the Daleks. Steampunk Dalek is my favourite Dalek! However, it is hampered by the same thing that has hampered all of Chris Chibnall era Who, which is lacklustre character development, as the stuff with Ryan’s father less inspires than it does bore.

8. The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe

I know this isn’t an overally popular Christmas special, but I love it. I think it perfectly captures the spirit of Narnia, both subtly and overtly, while also giving it it’s own uniquely Doctor Who spin. Matt Smith is always great with children, and Madge is an excellent pseudo-companion, who I would be happy to see return someday. And I love the Ponds, so naturally, I adore their little reunion at the end of the episode. So the metaphor is a little muddled; so what? It’s Christmas Day, let’s just enjoy the goofiness.

7. The Time of the Doctor

We’re in the top tier of Christmas specials now. As a regeneration episode, this one is nearly matchless (we’ll get to that). It’s a superb wrap-up of dozens of dangling plot threads, it goes grandiose while still maintaining a coherent thesis on what this version of the Doctor is, and I cannot watch Matt Smit’s regeneration, complete with Karen Gillan cameo, with crying. Seriously, I can’t even hear the line, “I will always remember when the Doctor was me,” without getting a bit sniffly. The only reason it is so low on this list is that as excellent as it is, it’s not exactly Christmassy, and as a Christmas special, that’s kind of important.

6. The Snowmen

Combining a companion’s first episode and a Christmas special is a tricky business, as they require such radically different tones but this episode does the job right. It perfectly introduces Victorian Clara (who I still wish was the version of the character who became the companion) as a spunky, action-driven character, found a creepy villain in The Great Intelligence and his plan to take over the world with intelligent snow, which is at least seasonally appropriate, and also managed to contain the right level of Christmas goofiness among its more serious elements in the form of Strax. All that and a sneaky Sherlock reference, and what more could you want?

5. Last Christmas

Peter Capaldi’s first Christmas specail strikes a slightly more somber tone, as befitting his “am I a good man?” filled first season, but it still has enough joy to go around. The emotional centre around accepting grief is beautifully bittersweet, and is kept from being too painful by the awesome Inception-style dream crab monsters surrounding it all. This episode finally allows Peter Capaldi to show off his silly side, and it would be all but perfect if it weren’t for the one-too-many fakeout endings around Clara’s exit.

4. The Runaway Bride

I know, I know, nobody likes “The Runaway Bride.” The thing is, I really, really do. I adore Catherine Tate as Donna, and I firmly believe she is David Tennant’s best companion. I love the grandiose silliness of the car chase with the TARDIS involved. The Racnoss is over-the-top, yes, but if you can’t enjoy a campy giant spider woman overacting her plans to destroy the Earth on Christmas Day, then when can you enjoy it?

3. Twice Upon a Time

Time of the Doctor would be a matchless regeneration episode, if it weren’t for Twice Upon a Time. This may be a perfect episode. Despite being the end of an era for Stephen Moffat, Murray Gold, and Peter Capaldi, the episode chooses to go simple and sweet, focusing on giving a sci-fi twist to a genuine Christmas miracle. It’s a small and focused episode that bids a fond farewell to the Moffat era in a warmhearted rumination on life, death, and memories that only Stephen Moffat could deliver.

2. The Return of Dr. Mysterio

There is nothing deep about this episode, and I love it even more because of it. Basically, Doctor Who does a superhero episode, with all the fun that entails, and I really enjoy it. I don’t even have anything deep to say about this episode, I just really love it, so it’s getting ranked high.

1.The Husbands of River Song

And here we have it, the best Chrismtas special, and certainly the best River Song episode. Like the other best episodes on this list, this one has a nice narrow focus on the relationship between River and the Doctor, serving as an epilogue to River’s arc during the Matt Smith years and as a prologue to her first apperance back in David Tennant’s tenure. It does this job splendidly, helped by the crackling chemistry between Alex Kingston and Peter Capaldi. It’s also really funny, keeping things from getting too somber, and ends so sweetly and lovingly, you could almost call it a happily ever after.

And there you have it, those are my rankings of the Doctor Who Christmas specials. You guys should let me know in the comments what your rankings are, stay safe, wear a mask, and I’ll see you on Wednesday,

Until the next time.